Key Largo, FL -- Local public health authorities in Key Largo, FL, along with the Department of Homeland Security, are preparing citizens for a cataclysmic event that will surely stress the emergency response infrastructure. On Sunday April 1st, David L. Carl of Eden Prairie, MN will emerge from his vacation rental house and remove his t-shirt, exposing his ultra-pasty-white torso to the tropical elements for the first time. The resulting reflection, which could approach the brightness of a hydrogen bomb detonation, has local officials gearing up for the worst.
"We're advising residents to stay inside, especially young children, the elderly, and anyone with a weak stomach," cautioned Key Largo Chief of Police Don Wilson. "The blinding flash from the sun hitting his body could do permanent retinal damage to anyone in a 5-mile radius and might melt surrounding structures. Plus, it will certainly be visually upsetting."
Despite the mild winter in Minnesota, Mr. Carl still has not seen direct sunlight for over 6 months. Scientists brought in from MIT have struggled to properly identify and measure the level of paleness in his skin. "Our machines simply aren't calibrated for a color that doesn't exist anywhere else in nature or even a laboratory," said mechanical engineering senior Rebecca Livingston. "Plus, there's a lot of surface area we're dealing with here -- he's no ballerina." Mr. Carl's skin color has been variously described as "translucent," "non-existent," "uber-pasty," and "so, so friggin' white -- a white not seen since biblical times," the latter of which Behr is considering as a new paint name.
His skin is so pasty that it's possible the sunlight will go right through him. In that case the only people in danger would be those standing immediately behind him. Hazmat suits will be issued to the family and friends traveling with him. Public health officials advised them not to arrive in Key Largo until the 2nd when the highest risk should have passed.
No such luck for local residents. "If we can just survive the first 10 minutes we should be OK," continued Sheriff Wilson. "A boy that pasty is gonna burn to a crisp in no time. Once he's a good reddish-pink we'll be past the most dangerous point. But people should still wear protective eye-wear. If he flips over onto his stomach we could have a secondary flashpoint." Wilson then seemed to be lost in thought, as if he was envisioning the horrific aftermath of such an event.
South Florida residents aren't the only ones at risk. "This flash could reverberate across the oceans, like the tsunami from a couple years ago," advised Chet Grundler of DHS. "We're alerting other Caribbean nations and even West Africa to warn their citizens to stay indoors." DHS officials are also arranging for post-traumatic stress counselors to be available for the survivors.
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