First Class, sort of
Endless slogging back and forth to Connecticut resulted in the whole family getting upgraded to first class for the flight to Miami. Free booze! Vacation drinking starts early!
The flight attendant delivers just a ginger ale. I'm not one to make a big fuss so I throw that back so I can order again. This time I aim for something that I assume can't be interpreted any other way than a plea for booze.
Me: "Can I get a GIN AND TONIC?"
And...I get another ginger ale. Should I have written it down? Is there a special language spoken only by veteran first class travelers to which I'm not privy? I could make a stink at this point to get this rectified, in the process presenting myself as an alcohol-craving d-bag, which I am but I try not to show it in public. I know, I know -- first world problems. Deciding to sit quietly, I go back to my movie and dream longingly of a well-stocked bar at our rental house.
Bidet
Our bathroom had a bidet in it, which I regarded the same way, and gave as wide a berth to, as I would a hemorrhoidal gator.
Compensating
What's with all of the Hummers in the Keys? Expecting a blizzard? Preparing to armor-up for an invasion from Cuba? Anomalous preponderance of Small Penis Syndrome? Yes, yes I think so.
A Dolphin's Perspective
"Anyhoo, that last borefest was to review the day's schedule. Looks like my first task is to be the dolphin partner for some dopes from Minnesota for the DRC's swim-with-the-dolphins experience. There's seven of them so I better swim over and see what they look like."
"OK, fine, fine, young kids -- this is good, not too bad, this is doable... HOLY CRIKEY HE'S A LOAD! Dammit, one of the dads is the size of a manatee and I can't believe I have to drag his ass around the lagoon. One of my tricks is to pull people around the water while they hang on to my dorsal fin. He'll probably pull mine clear off -- assuming I don't first sink to the bottom from sheer exhaustion after towing that cargo barge around. At least I'll get the union-mandated bump for the extra tonnage. And that other dad: he looks OK but if he starts dancing during the mimicry portion of the routine I'm just going to splash him."
Things
- Things Minnesota has that Florida doesn't: curbs
- Things Florida has that Minnesota doesn't: buckets of chum for sale. "Chum Bucket: $19.99" Minnesota has its fair share of bait and minnow vendors but that doesn't grab one's attention like chum. First of all, "chum" is just a fun word to say. Second, chum means sharks, not walleye, and sharks move the interest needle much more. You can't empty an ocean-front swimming area with cries of a walleye sighting.
- Other things Florida has that Minnesota doesn't: random, backwater, health-code-violation-waiting-to-happen-looking restaurants that surprisingly crank out good food. We hit two after mid-day activities: Fish Tales and The Hungry Tarpon. The Minnesota equivalents of these would have melted Velveeta on every menu item and the side dish would have been jello-based. In the Keys you get a well-made fresh fish dish and a reasonable beer selection, all appearances to the contrary.
- Florida tattoo shops: enabling unwise self-decoration choices by alcohol-addled tourists every 600 yards. I guess if they were spaced as much as a mile apart someone might sober up so better cram a couple more in there.
