As my management mentor, Inigo Montoya, once told me, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Where I work, co-workers repeatedly use the word "service" or "servicing" to describe the products we offer to our customers. We don't seem to "serve" our customers anymore, we "service" them. The use of this usage is increasing to the point of becoming an epidemic and is reflective of the overall corporate trend of using overcomplicated words when simpler ones will do. But even worse than being unnecessarily highfalutin, "service" as a verb has a double-meaning that is, er, quite randy. The wordsmith and grammarian in me is horrified. My inner Beavis is highly amused.
For those of you unaware of the connotation of "servicing," let's consult that highly valuable resource: www.urbandictionary.com.* According to http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=service, well, you can read for yourself. It casts these office meetings in a whole new light, doesn't it. These are highly educated, highly competent people. But they're just not getting it. The other day I was in a project meeting where I was told that my part of the project would include "servicing our medical practitioner network." Really? Just me? The network has tens of thousands of people -- I don't get any help? Are there any stretching exercises I should be doing? I better make sure my doctor friends Mark and Trudie are dropped from our network before I have to knock on their door with a glum, "time to make the doughnuts" expression on my face.
In another conference call (are you getting a feel for what my work day is like?) someone announced, "Dave Carl is in charge of the servicing platform." Crikey! It was a good thing I was on mute. What would a servicing platform really look like? Would there be couch? A waterbed? A dentist's chair? Should I get the rights to the Barry White music catalog?
My greatest fear is that I will eventually be evaluated on the quantity and quality of servicing I provide to my internal customers. My year-end performance rating and raise could be determined by how well my boss feels I serviced people over the past year. I can already see the performance feedback questionnaire distributed at the end of the year to my key internal business partners:
1) On a scale of 1-10, overall how well did Dave Carl service you this year?
2) Please list three areas where Dave Carl can improve his servicing techniques. Provide detailed examples.
3) Can you recommend any training that would help Dave Carl improve his ability to service you?
4) Did Dave Carl service you often enough to achieve your desired goals?
5) Did the uptime on Dave Carl's servicing platform meet your minimum requirements? Scalability? Throughput performance?
Please, people -- let's think twice before using this word so blithely. When the millennial generation enters the workforce and we're still carrying on about servicing millions of people they won't be able to contain their snickering. Otherwise, this will be a common interjection on conference calls: "Sorry, I was on mute...laughing my ass off."
* On a side note, I expect urbandictionary to be an incredibly valuable resource as my daughter reaches her teen years. It'll be a teen slang version of the German WWII Enigma machine, allowing me to break coded messages that otherwise would have passed me by. "Hmmm, she just called me a 'poser toolbag' after I grounded her. I better look that up..."
